I can’t get this line out of my head! I know I have a beautiful life, beautiful family and kids and a truly amazing God….but why don’t I feel like it? Why can’t I get out of this funk? Why can’t I just feel like me again?
I am throwing Phase 2 of the Beautiful Me Project in here but be forewarned this is long and tedious (maybe just to me as I am blogging this from my iPhone and yes Blair I know I need to go to bed and I can’t!)….but all I am feeling ties into this somehow and hopefully I can get there without completely losing you!
Let’s start at the beginning…I am socially awkward. I always have been. I am the girl who wants nothing more than to be told nice things all the while letting everyone use me as a doormat. I was comfortable with my station in life and well I feel like I let it ruin and rule me. I am easy to upset and while I don’t show it I will go home and cry for hours afterward (crazy…more than you know!) I always had two things to fall back on though whenever I needed them. First my Lord and Savior. Second my grandmother.
And while I know God is always there for me, my grandmother was the actual hug I needed, the human voice saying you are loved and my sweet girl. I need her. She left this world on July 9, 2004 after being in a car accident. I still don’t know the details because everyone felt I was to fragile to handle them. I just need to hear her say she loves me even if no one else acts like they do. I need to hear her say I am beautiful no matter what I think or others think and that I am good at what I do!!! (Yes I hear these from my husband often and he’s not home. He’s been home a total of 7 weeks since January 1st.) I always imagined her here when I got married and when my kids were born and her death has torn my family apart in more ways than one.
On July 9, 2010, my nephew Caleb was born. I was happy for my brother and sister in law and at the same time I was torn. This year on his birthday it took every last ounce of me to keep it together at his birthday party. I got home and cried myself to sleep. She should have been there was my first thought and then I realized that after having her in my life for 22 years that in just a few short years I couldn’t remember the sound of her voice or what she smelled like (I keep a bottle of Sunflowers to remember) and most of all what she looked liked. I got up and found the only picture I have of her and cried more.
I just need her to tell me it’s okay. That I am blessed with a beautiful life and that she proud of me. That’s all. I wish desperately my baby girl would have known her. She would have babied her even though at the time there were 3 other great grand daughters for her to love. She would have taught my daughter to be strong (she tried with me and while I come across that way I allow myself to break down when no one is looking) and would have wonderful words of wisdom for her when people make fun of her.
For Phase 2, I want a picture from you with you holding a sign telling us in a word or two, maybe three why people pick on you. In another picture I want it to say what makes you beautiful! You have until the end of August to get your pictures to me for both phases! You may also send in more than one for each Phase.
And now that I have this out and ready to go and cried enough for what feels like a year, I amazingly feel much better!
Thank you for attempting to follow my rant! It is much appreciated!